Scenario One: We’re in this together

Couples who are set on how they like to spend money will have the easiest time merging completely. “It works well for partners who have a shared vision for everything – how to spend their money on fun but also how to spend on future plans and needs,” says Yanely Espinal, author of Mind your money. Your methods of saving should also be similar.

If you’re not on the same page, it can lead to nitpicking (because your partner spent, for example, on organic raspberries that you never eat). “Having systems in place, like checking in before making a purchase that’s more than $150,” can keep conflict to a minimum, says Erin Lowry, author of Broke the Millennial book series. These systems should be specific to your financial goals as a couple.

Lowry adds that couples should only pool their money — whether partially or 100 percent — if they’re legally married. “If you’re going through separation or divorce, there are legal protections for how money is handled,” she says. “But if you’ve completely meddled and someone is a co-owner of all your accounts, they have as much authority over them as you do.” In other words, it is significantly more difficult to sort out each person’s assets.

Another type of couple who might like this format: Those who don’t want to track every single expense or ping the same $100 back and forth on Venmo until death do them part. “It makes things easier in terms of convenience and logistics,” says Espinal. “It also reduces the number of accounts you have to manage.”

This system can also be ideal for a couple where only one earns an income, says Espinal. If a partner takes care of the children and a home, they contribute services that cannot be quantified in dollars.

Scenario two: Keep it separate

This system is for people who want to maintain their independence. For example, if you like to spend $50 every month on a manicure and your partner can’t understand why, you might feel better about having your own account. Or maybe the reason is deeper, like if someone is coming from an abusive relationship and wants to preserve their autonomy going forward, or if one of you is bringing in a healthy inheritance or a serious debt. These are all potential reasons to keep everything separate.

On the other hand, this format can be more trouble than it’s worth because you have to calculate who pays for what – which should be prorated based on income (more on that below). “If your partner handles housing and transportation costs and you handle food and miscellaneous costs, you have to find a way to make them more or less equal,” Espinal says. But since costs like groceries vary, calculating the difference is a never-ending process. You can also split every joint expense — which will likely lead to Venmo’s trail.

If you have children from a previous relationship, it’s important to have a discreet account that ensures they’re supported, says Lowry. (Yes, that’s three accounts in total.) Your spouse may want to contribute to their expenses, but you should still have a separate pot to pay their school fees, allowances, medical bills and so on.

Scenario three: The best of both worlds

When you have joint and separate accounts, you can tailor How much of your finances are combined. It could just be a joint account for shared expenses like rent, food and bills, or mostly pooled money minus separate accounts for impulse purchases (because your partner might not want to fund your dog sweater obsession).

You can finance joint accounts in two ways, says Espinal. One is a 50-50 method: You both put the exact same dollar amount in there each month or pay period. The other is proportional and requires some math. Start by adding up your total income for the year. Then divide your income by that number to get your percentage and divide your partner’s income by that number for theirs. Let’s say your number is 44 percent – you would fund the account with that percentage of your income. (This online calculator will do the math for you!)

If you have children together, at least one joint account is almost a requirement. Having a kids-only budget can also be helpful. You and your partner can contribute (either 50-50 or proportionally) and pay all child expenses from there. That way, if one parent takes the kids out for ice cream and the other tackles the back-to-school shopping, no one takes on more financial burden.

If money is a source of stress, or you want professional guidance on how to best manage your finances, consider talking to a certified financial planner or financial therapist. As with any important conversation, do your best to stay level-headed, keep things civil, and don’t get too emotional—even if your partner just spent $500 on something that’s gathering dust in the basement.

Cassie Hurwitz (she/her) is an associate editor at Oprah Daily, where she covers everything from culture to entertainment to lifestyle. She can usually be found in the middle of several books and TV shows at the same time. Previously, Cassie worked at Parents, Rachael Ray in seasonand Reveal. Her love language is pizza (New York slices, Chicago deep dish and others).