My 4 year old is terrified of swimming lessons. Some nights, long after bedtime, he calls me into his room and asks me, in a whisper, if he has to take swimming lessons tomorrow.

It breaks my heart. Swimming is an important safety skill, but the lessons cause him anxiety. It made me wonder: If he wants to quit, should I let him?

It can be difficult for parents to know when a child is ready to stop participating in an extracurricular activity. Classes and sports can encourage grit and foster belonging. But for some children, they can also be a stress-inducing obligation.

Vanessa Lapointea child psychologist and parenting coach, understands this dilemma. In these situations, the best thing to do is to avoid rushing to fix the problem. Instead, “be curious, listen and give the child the experience of being heard.”

Here’s how to have tough conversations with your kids about quitting. Apply the advice to everything from piano lessons to summer camp.

Examine why you care so much. The problem may be you.

When your child says they’re ready to put their clarinet back in its case—and leaves it there—the first thing you should do is examine yourself.

If your child wanting to quit evokes a strong reaction in you, unpack it. “Many times our intentions get clouded by our own desires,” says Lapointe. Are you trying to push your unrealized dream of starring in the school play onto your child? Or maybe your family couldn’t swing team sports when you were growing up, so you’re determined that your child will have a different experience.

“If your intention is anything other than ‘I want to give my kid a cool experience and see how they like it,’ you’re probably in it for the wrong reasons,” says Lapointe.

Ask your child what is happening. You may be surprised at what you learn.

“See what they will verbalize,” says Krystal Lewisa child psychologist and clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health.

Maybe they were just having a terrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. “The rule of thumb is that we never quit on a bad day,” says Lapointe. So if you learn that your child got a smaller role than they wanted in the big school play, let their big feelings settle a little before you make any decisions.

If it’s not just defeat from a bad day, dig a little more, Lewis says. Ask them: What do you like about the activity? What don’t you like?

Sometimes the problem turns out to be simple. “They don’t like football because it’s at the end of a long school day and they’re hungry at practice,” Lewis said. So maybe packing some protein-rich snacks can make a difference.

Even if the problem turns out to be more complex—say, they don’t feel excited or passionate about art classes—you now have valuable information for your troubleshooting.

Pay attention to what your child is complaining about. And observe their behavior.

The younger the child, the less likely they are to be able to express their feelings or experiences verbally, says Lewis. So you may need other clues to find out how your baby is doing.

Pay attention to your child when they complain, says Lewis. Maybe they are sensitive to a trainer’s raised voice. Or they are too shy to talk to the other children. These are problems you can help solve. Have a conversation with the trainer. Encourage a friend to join the team.

If you’re present at your child’s practices or lessons, you may be able to pick up on some of the pain points, Lewis says. If they zone out, they may be burned out and need more unstructured playtime. If they seem bored, it’s possible that this activity just isn’t for them.

Consider your child’s temperament. Are they a dandelion or an orchid?

Each child has a different tolerance for discomfort, and this should be taken into account when making a decision to stop.

Assess their willingness to thrive in a challenging environment. Are they a dandelion or an orchid? This framework was developed by Thomas Boyce, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, to help identify a child’s temperament.

Dandelions are hardy and hardy. “You can plant it in a crack in the cement and forget to water it. And not only will the dandelion survive, it will probably thrive,” says Lapointe.

Orchids are sensitive. “They require just the right amount of water, humidity and temperature. If you don’t get it just right, they won’t adapt.”

One is not better than the other, they are just different. See which flower your child is leaning towards. If your child is more of a dandelion, they may be OK with a less-than-perfect environment even if they aren’t jazzed about it. If they are more of an orchid, and you see them really struggling, they may need a different environment.

Come up with a creative compromise. “Quit” or “tough it out” aren’t the only two options.

“What is the gray area? What can we change?” says Lewis. If your child is bored, can you take a break or cut back on the amount they engage in the activity? If your child is embarrassed when they hit, can you practice hitting at home?

Then have a conversation with your child about what it means to have made a commitment. You might say, ‘Well, since we signed up, we’re going to go, but you can sit on the sidelines and watch,'” says Lewis. “That way, you teach the child to honor a commitment without forcing them to do something that’s really unpleasant.”

Regarding my son and his fear of swim class, my husband and I did some research. We asked him what happened. Turns out he was terrified of putting his head under water! So we talked to the coach and they agreed that he didn’t have to go during the class.

Of course you have to get your head wet to swim. My son eventually overcame his fear months later, when we were playing in the pool with his cousins.

Now he routinely thumps himself during swimming lessons. He literally takes his hand, puts it on the back of his head and pushes himself under the water. And he loves being in the water. Turns out all he needed was a little time.

Although we ended up needing to take a break from swimming for a while, I think I would have been fine with that too. Lapointe says that as parents we shouldn’t put too much pressure on ourselves in situations like this. “In the grand scheme of things, this is actually not a big deal.”

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Becky Harlan. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voice message at 202-216-9823or email us at [email protected].

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