As a relationship therapist, I’ve seen many couples get caught up in seemingly innocent misconceptions that, if left unchecked, can unravel the deepest bonds. These “relationship lies” often begin as self-protective beliefs, perhaps to explain a disagreement or justify a problematic feeling. Yet these lies become barriers that erode trust, empathy and connection over time.

In my book, Why can’t you read my mind? I explain how empathy is the emotional glue that holds relationships together. Empathy is one of the first things we suffer when we let these common relationship myths slip into our lives.

Let’s explore the four biggest lies that quietly sabotage relationships, using examples to illustrate how these play out in real life. Most importantly, I’ll share how you and your partner can spot these myths before they become habits—and how to replace them with more robust, compassionate beliefs.

Lie 1: “If they loved me, they would just know.”

The trap: This lie assumes that true love means being perfectly in sync. It is the belief that if a partner loves us enough, they should intuitively know what we are feeling, thinking or needing.

Example: Take the case of Mira and Keegan, a couple who have been married for seven years. Mira often felt that Keegan “just should know” when she needed comfort after a difficult day. When he didn’t, she began to doubt his love. This created resentment, with Mira often withdrawing from Keegan emotionally, waiting for him to “prove” his love by reaching out without her asking.

The reality: No one can read minds, no matter how much they care. Expecting a partner to understand your needs instinctively without clear communication can lead to disappointment and resentment.

Tip: To break this pattern, communicate directly and clearly. Instead of expecting a partner to guess, say, “It would mean a lot to me if you could check in when I’m down.” This approach allows them to meet your needs while setting realistic expectations.

Lie 2: “Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.”

The trap: Many believe that the “right relationship” should flow effortlessly, and if they are faced with challenges, something must be fundamentally wrong. Although compatibility is important, it is misleading to assume that all difficulties signal incompatibility.

Example: Jaxon and Lorelei had been dating for a few years when they began to encounter communication struggles, especially around finances. Jaxon grew up in a family that was open about money, while Lorelei’s family avoided the subject altogether. This led Jaxon to believe that they were fundamentally incompatible. It shouldn’t be that hard, he thought, considering ending things instead of working through their differences.

The reality: Every relationship requires work. Even the most compatible couples have disagreements and periods of growth. Challenges are not necessarily red flags; they are often opportunities to deepen understanding and promote elasticity.

Tip: Reframe “hard work” as an investment in your partnership. Instead of seeing challenges as signs of doom, ask yourselves, “What can we learn from this?” Working through conflicts together can strengthen the relationship over time.

Lie 3: “My partner should make me happy.”

The trap: This lie is based on the idea that a partner’s job is to be the primary source of happiness. When partners believe this, they put enormous pressure on each other, often leading to disappointment and resentment when that ideal is not met.

Example: Sasha and Reynard had been in a committed relationship for three years. Sasha thought that Reynard should be able to lift her spirits whenever she felt down. But as the stresses of life accumulated, Reynard could not always fill this role. Increasingly disillusioned, Sasha wondered if Reynard was the “right” partner for her.

The reality: No one can – or should – bear full responsibility for someone else’s happiness. True relationship satisfaction comes from a healthy balance between self-satisfaction and shared joy.

Tip: Prioritize building a life that meets you individually. While your partner can be a source of joy and comfort, a fulfilling relationship relies on two people who are also happy. Try activities that nurture your interests and growth and bring that enriched sense of self back into your relationship.

Lie 4: “I can change them if I try hard enough.”

The trap: Many believe they can fix or change their partner’s behavior to better fit their ideal view of the relationship. This approach often leads to control issues and breeds resentment, especially when one partner feels pressured to change.

Example: Eliora was frustrated by Garrison’s tendency to withdraw during conflicts. She believed that if she showed him enough love, she could “teach” him to open up. Eliora’s continuous efforts only made Garrison feel pressured and even more distant.

The reality: Trying to change a partner usually backfires because it ignores their autonomy and can make them feel inadequate as they are. The lasting change in relationships comes from mutual respect, not one partner molding the other to fit their expectations.

Tip: Focus on improving your communication about needs rather than trying to change your partner personality. Share your concerns gently, such as saying, “It would mean a lot to me if we could talk about our feelings more openly.” This approach opens the door for growth without trying to control or change the other person.

Final thoughts

These four relationship lies may seem small, but they create significant barriers to trust, empathy, and growth over time. Acknowledging and replacing these myths with healthier beliefs is essential to a thriving relationship. Building lasting connections is about cultivating empathy and mutual understanding rather than expecting perfection from your partner or yourself.

Remember, no relationship is perfect—but by challenging these harmful myths, you and your partner can create a relationship based on respect, resilience, and genuine love.