FAMILY: Jalen Hurts couldn’t play golf with Barack Obama because of this brutal, insane clause in his contract

The golf course should be that sanctuary. Full stop. If you’re paired with a stranger, and you’re going to have a higher or lower opinion of him based on politics, I have a wild suggestion: Go with option three, total mystery. I’ve found that political affiliation has almost no correlation to how much fun someone can have in a limited time and place like the golf course, so let’s keep the secret intact and pretend for a couple of hours that it doesn’t matter. (Also dDon’t wear political clothes or hats…that is an instant mood killer, and no one wants to play with a walking billboard.)

But even if we agree in principle on the main points—heck, even if you’re an AI clone of me trained to spout my exact perfect opinions—I still don’t want to hear it while I’m trying to hit my first day’s straight run on the 13th. I don’t want to think about that. Having my own opinions thrown at me still ruins the sanctuary. It still taints the round. You still put me back in the real world mentally, and let me tell you, I’ve had enough of the real world.

Look, pretty soon we’ll all be in gulags or murdering our neighbors for water. That’s where everything is going. Until then, we must embrace the possibility of a life away from politics. The golf course is the perfect place for that. You are in the beautiful nature. The phases are found elsewhere. If you’re going to get mad, it should be because you just went into a bunker, not because someone reminded you to worry about the election.

If you’re out there on the fairways and greens, and you find yourself compelled to say something political, suppress it. Say something else – there must be more to you than the candidate or party you support. Alternatively, say nothing. Politics is going nowhere, I promise. It will be waiting for you after the 18th tee. Creating a sanctuary is about the holiest act you can commit in 2024, and destroying that sanctuary is social terrorism. Keep politics out of golf and remember that whatever happens on Tuesday night, a perfectly hit 7-iron will be just as sweet on Wednesday.

FIVE TURN TANKS, ZOZO CHAMPIONSHIP/GENESIS EDITION

1. Can Justin Thomas be officially back please? I know there are mixed feelings about the guy, especially after Full gait The Ryder Cup episode revealed that he spent a year successfully seducing Zach Johnson (I still cringe when I hear the word “J-Tizzle”), but I’ve always found him interesting, intelligent and compelling on the course. It was hard enough to lose Spieth to his second act as a journeyman, or to say goodbye to all the fun players who disappeared into LIV and only reappeared at majors. We need people like JT to play a role, and while I have no idea what to think of a tournament like Zozo, I was happy to see him second. May the good form continue.

2. Let me be the fifteenth person to say that Ben An is driver from deck in Korea was one of the sickest things I’ve seen in a long time, and I’m sure the golf gods rewarded his bravery with a tournament win. The only way Tom Kim could have countered that was to immediately hit the driver wherever he was, including the bunker or green. It’s all the more incredible because An is firmly established in my head canon as a talented player who often competes, but never wins … and aside from a win at the BMW PGA nearly ten years ago, that’s pretty accurate. Was this a moment of catharsis? A “screw it, I’ll win at all costs” epiphany that will put him on the road to world no. 1? I will certainly be picking him in this column for the foreseeable future, which means no, he will never win again.

3. Count me among the people who believe that Tom Kim breaks a dressing room door in anger is very funny. There’s just something about this guy where he just can’t help but trip over his own feet. The Presidents Cup was a good example – Wyndham Clark was definitely a jerk to him, but the way Kim responded was off him look bad. It feels like his “emotional spontaneity” endeared him to fans at the beginning of his career, but now the tide is turning. But to get back to the original point, I think more golfers should destroy property after a tough loss. I wouldn’t mind them going full rock ‘n roll and destroying hotel rooms either.

4. I know almost nothing about Nico Echavarria, who beat JT on Zozo, but I thought the timing was interesting, because in executive memo The tour sent out on Monday involved all kinds of pretty radical changes, there was an almost direct mention of Latin American golfers in reference to granting more exemptions at the Mexico Open. This is how they wrote:

In recent years, there has been a decrease in PGA TOUR members from the region participating in the event. To maintain the level of Latin American representation, there will be two more sponsor exemptions for players from Latin America, for a total of six.

It’s clear they’re a little worried about Latin America’s place in the world of golf, and it’s probably even more acute after losing guys like Niemann and Ancer and Ortiz and Munoz to LIV. They would love it if someone like Echavarria suddenly became a superstar.

5. I talked last week about having a relatively obscure player that you follow every week for no really good reason, and how mine was David Skinns. Well, Skinns was second only to DFL on Zozo, proving once again that it’s a curse to just be mentioned in this column.

ABSOLUTE IRON CLOTHES OF THE WEEK LOCKS

Golfpocalypse is not a betting advice service, and you should never listen to anything written here. Better choices are here.

Career Record: 5-41. What an incredible week. I nailed Padraig at the Simmons Bank Championship, had JT second at Zozo and Hae-Ran Ryu third at the LPGA. Jonas Blixt was an emotional pick at Genesis, and it predictably failed, but this is by far the best prediction week in Golfpocalypse history, and you should put your kid’s college fund into whoever I pick this week.

Unfortunately we have no PGA Tour action AND no DP World Tour action. Lazy! Smug! You forced my hand, professional golf: I will now watch the New York Yankees make a historic 0-3 comeback against the Dodgers on Saturday and Sunday. (I wrote this on Wednesday afternoon, and I leave it as further proof of how jinxy this column really is.)

Fortunately, the women don’t shirk their duty, and at the LPGA’s Toto Japan Classic this weekend, I go right back to Hae-Ran Ryu. I did this with Padraig last week, when he almost cashed out on me the week before – when you’re a week early, just stay on your horse and wait for a glorious victory. Ryu is on a heater, looks like the odds on favorite, and will probably get to go home to Korea en route to Japan for some home cooking and familiar faces. Folks, she’s going to be… Ryu-rejuvenated.

I can’t believe this, but the Champions Tour and LIV are also suspended. It’s like the universe is trying to play cooler to my hot streak. The choices are too good, people and powerful people are afraid.

THE “STUPID TAKE IN TYD OF BELIEVE”

Just as the Tour sometimes has American flags on the pins during patriotic holidays, they should have themed flags for every holiday. Skeleton head for Halloween, turkey for Thanksgiving, even a creepy little Cupid on Valentine’s Day. I’m disappointed to see that this was not addressed anywhere in the Tour’s memo this week.

READER HISTORY OF THE WEEK

Here’s Mark on what happens when you mix golf and politics:

Whenever someone is about to putt near someone else’s line, my idiot friend likes to say, “Ah, a little Elizabeth Warren.” Then he waits for no one to say anything, then he says “Free education.”

He thinks it’s smart.

He once said that when we were playing with a couple of MAGA guys. The rest of the round sucked.

See!? Don’t even joke about it!

Previously on Golfpocalypse:

Loving golf in 2024 is about finding where the money isn’t
I believed in the magic of Tiger Woods when I was a kid, but I’m a cynic now
If you can enjoy playing golf alone, you have achieved Nirvana
I took 12 stitches in my head for golf before I even loved it
An annual “Friends Ryder Cup” trip is the best in golf
Marshals on public golf courses need to get a lot meaner
I, and I alone, have the genius tweak to fix the Tour Championship
It can’t be fun to play golf when you’re so terribly unwell
Confession: I hit clubs when I’m angry
Playing golf in bad weather makes me feel alive
Caring about what others think of your golf game is annoying to others
Sympathy with Rory, because choking sucks