Dear Eric: I am one of four siblings. I live close but not with my 102 year old mother while my siblings live far away. Over the past 12 years I have gradually taken over much of her care, although she generally makes her own decisions and is financially secure. She depends on me for cooking, shopping, meetings and company.

After some consideration, she has decided that she will be safer and happier in assisted living. She is of course sad to have left her home of many years. I support her decision to move because she needs more care and more stimulation.

My siblings visit three to four times a year and do not contribute to her care in a consistent way. They are trying to find ways for her to live in her own home.

All the options they have suggested involve a lot of work for my mom and me. She doesn’t want anyone living with her and I don’t want to hire, fire, train and supervise multiple caregivers. Their option assumes that I will always be here to take care of her.

My siblings are visiting soon and want to have a discussion about how to keep mom in their own home. I’m afraid they will convince her not to move. I have to tell them that unless some or all of them move here, she will have to move into assisted living. I love my mom, and I know my siblings do too. I don’t think they understand how much help she needs. How do I tell them I can’t do this anymore without making my mom feel guilty about how much I do for her?

– Tired daughter

Dear Daughter: It sounds like your mom made an informed decision, one that wasn’t easy but one that will help her continue to have a good quality of life and maintain her independence. So while your sibling’s posts may be well-intentioned, what they’re silently saying is that neither you nor your mom knows what’s best for her. And that’s not true.

Have a conversation with just the siblings before they visit to emphasize that your mother is capable of making her own decisions and that they should respect that. Also emphasize to them that you have a perspective that they don’t know what daily help looks like. Be very firm and clear about the parts of their ideas that are not feasible or require too much of you. There is no need for debate. Your mother knows what she wants.

Pointing out the gaps in their thinking, without your mom, can help them understand better without making your mom feel guilty.

If they still insist on a meeting, support your mother to speak her mind and think through the options. You’ve built a relationship with her where she remains empowered and, presumably, you can honestly express your perspective and opinions. It will really help here.

Dear Eric: A few months ago, I contacted my sister with concerns about our two brothers. Her response minimized my concern and focused on her and her problem. I responded to her negative response with my own stinginess.

She sent them screenshots of what I said about our brothers. They were, understandably, upset with me, but I’ve made it up to both of them.

She hasn’t spoken to me since. I wrote her a letter and asked her to meet with me so we could see how to put this argument behind us. No confirmation or response. She has two teenage children that I have kept in touch with, and she has not acknowledged milestones in my young adult children’s lives. What can I do to reconnect?

– Snubbed sister

Dear Sister: It sounds like your sister is more interested in stirring up drama than making meaningful connections, so I’m not sure there’s any way for you to force her to change right now. In the relatively short history of text messaging, sending screenshots of a text conversation to the subject of the conversation has rarely been used as a de-escalation tool.

It is noteworthy that she also closes herself off from your children. So, if we’re keeping score (generally not helpful in families, but maybe illustrative here) – she’s created conflict with your brothers, ghosted you, and deliberately deprived herself of a relationship with her nieces and nephews. This sounds like someone with a lot of hurt or a lot of pettiness. Or both.

She has a complaint that is probably not limited to this exchange. So your instinct to reconcile is the right one. But she has to make different choices for that to happen. If she’s not ready or willing, just wait and try again down the road.