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Dear Care and Feeding,

For those of you with older children, how do you help them process the news of the election? My daughter, who is wise beyond her years, was upset with the results and is worried about her future. I tried to reassure her, but I have the same fear.

– What to say?

Dear what to say,

During the run-up to the election, I kept saying, over and over, “I can’t believe we’re doing this to our kids again.” I don’t know how old your daughter is, but my oldest is 16 now; she was 8 the first time Donald Trump was elected. Which means that for almost as long as she and her peers can remember, his lies and threats and unhinged rants have dominated so much of our national conversation. I think it’s important to recognize that for many young people his re-election feels not only like the worst kind of déjà vu, but also alarming and even personally threatening – because it is. Many are immigrants or children of immigrants. They are the queerest and most racially and ethnically diverse generation ever. They are old enough to remember the chaos and bigotry of his first term. Too many lost loved ones to the pandemic. They have grown up knowing they can be shot in their classrooms; that their lives, already affected by the climate crisis, will look drastically different one day if we don’t act now. And last week we gave them another reason to doubt that adults will protect their future, take care of them, do the right thing.

Of course, we never lack our children to be upset or scared or heartbroken for any reason.
But young people who feel that way now aren’t wrong, so I don’t think “making the kids feel better” should necessarily be the goal. I myself am full of anger and anxiety and something I can recognize as very close to sadness, and I don’t want anyone trying to talk me out of those feelings. It is not my job as a parent to tell my children how to feel. It is my job to let them know that I hear how they feel, that those feelings are understandable, and that they are not alone.
When my teenager and I talked about the election last week, the first thing I said was, “I’m not going to tell you that any of this is ok, because it’s not ok. I know you are worried and angry and disappointed. I feel all these things too.” I reminded her that she has many people who love and care about her, who will make sure she is safe and that we needed to be ready to try to help others and keep them safe.

Regardless of who is president, watching your children grow in awareness of the world as it is can be excruciating. But it wouldn’t be fair to them to pretend that bad things don’t happen, or that worse things can’t come, or that this country and the world aren’t what they are. We must raise them to understand the truth, to live and help others to live in this world. To protect and nurture their hope, remind them of their agency, without denying reality.

So what are some ways we can do that? In your letter you said your daughter is wise beyond her years. Whether it’s because of her, how you raised her, or both, it might also mean she’s caring and has good instincts and the ability to make sound decisions for herself—in which case, those are all important strengths to recognize. One of the many things I admire about my 16-year-old (as I’ve told her several times) is her excellent judgment: she knows what she believes and what’s important to her, and she’s chosen friends she can really trust who share her values ​​and her commitment to justice. The day after the election, I was able to remind her that she is surrounded by good people who really want to make things better, and that’s because she has selected to be surrounded by such people. As she grows older, she will find more and more such people. She has the power, now and in the future, to decide what is important to her, what she believes is right, and who she wants to work with and fellowship with. No one can take that away from her.

After the election, a friend of mine reminded me to think about our ancestors, who lived through hardships far worse than any we have personally known. We exist because they did; we are here because they survived. When I shared that with my daughter last week, I wasn’t trying to imply that “people have been through worse, so suck it up,” but rather asked her to remember that she is part of a powerful legacy – a legacy of love and hope and struggle and survival. If I can find a little hope in that, some days, maybe she can too. I also think that, regardless of age, it also helps to get involved in something that allows us to work for something good together with others at a local level – to try to reduce harm or suffering, to take small steps towards the society and the world we want – in our neighborhoods, schools and communities. Participating in mutual aid or volunteering helps me feel more connected and less helpless, and that has been incredibly important to my 16-year-old self.

Another practical thing I suggested to her is something that is almost impossible for any of us to do, ever, but I stand by it: Put the phone down sometimes. Neither we nor our children need to personally see and share every piece of bad news the moment it happens to be informed, care or fight effectively. It is worth reminding our children that this is a marathon, not a sprint – the world do need them, and they will need each other, so they should also try to take care of themselves however they can. We should do the same for ourselves and set the example we want them to follow.

There is much more I could say, but the last thing, for now: It is always a good time to remind our children that we see and love and are proud of who they are becoming. I think it can be even more important when things feel scary and unstable. Of course, the fact that your daughter is upset makes you sad. But it’s also a sign of how much she cares, and that’s one Good thing she cares about. It indicates that she is still checked in; that she is not one of the bullies, or that someone is content to just focus on their own concerns or sit by while people suffer. She may feel a certain lack of trust or faith right now, and again that’s understandable – but you can still help and support her in building her trust and faith in herself and in what she believes and knows to be right.

— Nicole

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